


Surrounded and Alone

by Laurasauras



Series: AO3 Anniversary Flash Fiction [30]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 15:45:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15975443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Jake has a panic after being overwhelmed with social interactions for the first time in over a decade.





	Surrounded and Alone

**Author's Note:**

> anonymous asked:
> 
> Make Jake be sad. Please.

Your heart is beating really hard. You've had a big day, and you assumed that it was just excitement earlier, but now it should be normal. You're lying down, you should be calm. You don't think this is normal. You're not usually aware of your heart? And surely you wouldn't be taking note if this was normal. 

It was certainly normal for it to be racing when you were running through your jungle. And then when the AR was telling you that you had to kiss Dirk's decapitated head in order to save him. And then when you were meeting your friends! And then when Dirk was holding your hand while you sat around the campfire. Which actually made it hard to eat, not just because you thought it was cute to keep holding on and eat one handed (it kind of was, you felt like you were in a movie) but because you were so nervous about holding his hand for the first time you struggled to swallow. 

But there isn't any excuse for it now. You can hear the breathing of your friends, deep and even and almost in sync. It's been long enough that your eyes have adjusted enough to see the silhouettes of various shitty wizards, but it's dark enough that you don't think you'll be able to take in any details. You haven't slept anywhere other than your room or your grandmother's tent before, but you've taken that all around the island and never felt like  _this._ Like somehow you aren't quite safe.

You've never been around people that weren't your gran before. You never had video or even voice chat with these people, your best friends. Jane had giggled every time one of you talked at first, all of you doing it just slightly wrong. Roxy slurs, something that got worse as she started to drink, but she says that's her normal voice. Dirk's voice is quiet, and he blushed the first few times he got told to speak up, but he seemed to like it. He liked when Roxy said that she wanted to be able to hear the clever things he had to say and when Jane told him he could do radio with a voice like that. You wish your voice was quiet. Yours is too loud. You interrupted the flow of conversation whenever you spoke. 

Now that you think about it, you don't think you even said anything that was worth disturbing them over. All this time, all three of them have made hints about being in love with you and you let yourself think that it would be even better when they saw you in person. You know that you're a pretty sight. But you also know that when you aren't thinking about posing, your posture deflates and ruins that. You now know that your voice is grating and without the time to think over your responses you just say dumb things. If Dirk still wants to be with you, it's probably because he's as gay as a meatball and you're the only viable option. 

Ho boy, this can't end well. Maybe if you just let him take the lead. No, he has to do that all the time, he wouldn't like that. Crikey, is there any reason you are here at all? Did they need four players? Sure, you want to meet Jade and her friends, they sound swell, but actually now you're thinking that meeting your own friends was rather a lot more than you bargained for and maybe you should leg it back to your globe and grab your tent, hide away from everyone where you can't fuck up anymore than you already have. 

Your throat closes harshly while you contemplate that and tears prick the back of your eyes. Well, that's an obvious sign that if you dither about this anymore you're going to wake up the others with your very unbecoming reactions. You throw back your blanket and ease to your feet quietly, as if you were surrounded by sleeping fairy bulls. 

Of course, Dirk is a lot more cluey than the least deadly of jungle fauna. 

'Jake?' he whispers. 

You don't stop, you just make your way out of the room. He moves so fast that he catches up to you immediately.

'Look here, Strider,' you say, attempting to whisper like he did. Your voice comes out too loud again and you wince. At least you can pronounce his name; you mangled "Lalonde". 'Can't a fella go take a whiz?'

'Shit, sorry,' Dirk says. 

He scratches at the back of his neck and goes to leave.

'Wait,' you say.

He looks at you, and you're not sure if you're imagining it but he looks ... happy. He left his shades wherever they ended up and he looks so different when it isn't a snapshot of a pose. You probably do too, though in the opposite way. He looks approachable, adorable, now you can see his fast, birdlike movements and tiny smiles rather than the stoic selfies he sent. You always smiled in yours, you liked what it did to your eyes, but now you can't muster up that energy.

He moves closer so you can talk quietly, and doesn't stop until his arm is brushing yours. You smother your instinct to jump away nervously. 

'This is a lot, right?' you say.

He cocks his head to the side and looks at you carefully.

'Yeah, it is,' he says. 'We'll have a chill day tomorrow, though. You can school us all on movies, Jane can put her money where her mouth is on those cake promises.'

That should sound lovely, why is the thought of that making you panic even more? You don't know what to do!

'Or ... you and I could take off?' Dirk says. 'I'd like to show you some of Bro's stuff, at some point.'

Your reaction is immediate and obvious. One person is a lot easier to deal with, especially when that one person is Dirk. You spent a lot of time with your respective chats open, but with no pressure to type. That's a lot better.

'Um ...' Dirk says, before fidgeting his fingers lightly against yours. 'I'm gonna let you take a piss or whatever.' He smiles at you, and then darts in to kiss you on the corner of your mouth, so quickly you're not even entirely sure he made contact with your skin. He laughs nervously and then walks back into Roxy's lounge.

Oh god. He's your boyfriend now. He's not just Dirk, who you can breathe with quietly. He's the boy you want to kiss. You clasp your hand over your heart, urging it to settle. Urging yourself to interpret the feeling as excitement, not  _fear_. It doesn't work. You just know you're going to disappoint everybody. 


End file.
